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lonelyremaining
30 July 2006 @ 02:26 pm
I think about it a lot now. In about one hour, I will be hanging from the rafters of this cell. Where is she? The only member of my family left when I was sent here. My little sister... are you suffering now too, even in your innocence?

You were so innocent... how could the malice find a way to grab hold of your sweetness? When we were little, I remember how I made you cry when I would spend more time with Mutsuki than with you. Little sister, you were so frightened of strangers, I should have taken more care to teach you strength. 

Did you know that Mutsuki was afraid like you, too? He would always hide behind his kimono in that room we shared. Sometimes, he would get so upset that he would cry for hours. Somehow, Mutsuki still managed to be stronger than me... it made me feel inferior sometimes. Before father died, he called Mutsuki a cry baby... What could that make me?

Chitose, you are beautiful, did you know that? I always thought you looked like mother... she was so sad when you cut your hair... even though you didn't say it... I knew that you wanted to be like us, like your older brothers. 

Sometimes I wonder if you were jealous of Mutsuki sometimes... I didn't mean for that... I wanted you to be happy too. But now... nothing will change for us. You weren't taken by the malice...were you? Chitose, you were smart enough to hide from it... If only I had asked Yae to take you away with them... perhaps things would have been different. It's my fault now. I caused this. 

Even when I promised you that I'd always come when you rang the bell I gave you... I couldn't even keep that promise. You know, I hear it sometimes. It's possible. Our house is very near here... if you were hiding in the great hall, I could probably hear you. But now, I can't keep my promise. I promised you that I'd keep you safe. You blood is on my hands now too.
 
 
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
 
 
lonelyremaining
23 July 2006 @ 05:50 pm
Something strange has started to happen, and it's absolutely infuriating. I am trapped by the cycle of this night, and no matter how much force I use, or even if I try to set fire to this place, I cannot escape it. If I could only leave this storehouse for a few hours, perhaps I could understand what this girl who looks like Yae means. 

She says that this is a dream.

Is that all I am now, another tormentor in a poor girl's nightmare? It doesn't matter, even if that is the case, it's just as possible that she is so frightened that she's dellusional. If this continues, her twin sister will likely be mistaken for Sae and forced to complete the ritual... What a sick thought, that even without the other twin, the priests would probably just kill the other and hope it would appease the Hellish Abyss. 

Maybe that's what happened to Sae? I don't have any recollection of this night after my own suicide. I don't know what happened. I only know that they are all dead. The abyss swallowed everything, and that is why we must repeat this night over and over. No escape, and no rest for the sinner. 

Sometimes in this tiny room, I think I hear my little sister's bell. I gave it to her, because her eyes are bad and she tends to wander into dangerous situations. I told Chitose that as long as she wore that bell, I'd be able to find her even if she was frightened and hiding in her usual closet. It is a knife of guilt in my heart. I almost asked Yae to take her with them, but I didn't want her to slow them down... Yae had to of escaped. Maybe Chitose would have too.

Mutsuki was like that too, when he was very little. My twin was very stubborn, and maybe even a little spoiled, if not only by me. He would hide behind the kimono stand in the room we shared as children whenever something bad happened. He'd curl up in a tiny ball and cry.  After our ceremony, I stayed away from that room, and had my room moved somewhere else.

What if that girl shows up, smiling like she does, with the key to my hell? What will happen if she unlocks that door and tells me to go with her? I used to wonder if Yae and Sae had the willpower to escape. Now I wonder the same about myself. Can I be forgiven? I can't even forgive myself.
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
 
 
lonelyremaining
21 July 2006 @ 12:05 am
It's night again. I wonder what happened to the girl named Mio... she said she would rescue me. I know that that is not something I deserve. The only thing I can do for my loved ones is to remain here with them, where their souls are trapped. I've begun to wonder; why is the village changing? It hasn't changed at all for countless decades. That girl Mio looked enough like Yae for me to go so far as to confuse them. Or perhaps it is that I forget that a world exists beyond this tiny prison, full of people coming and going, living, existing. Changing.

That seems entirely impossible for me now. To change. What does that even mean to us? Those of us who will suffer the hell, the doom of this village, will never know anything outside of what existed on the day that we were consumed by the abyss. I no longer fear it. It can not do anything to me that I have not already suffered. To exist is nothing more than a dream. 

I wonder how I know that I have been here for decades, when everyone else repeats this night in blissful ignorance. Perhaps this is my punishment, and Minakami is my own personal purgatory. I will never atone for what I have done. Yet all I want is to be forgiven. Maybe it is I who am being foolish and blind. What that girl said... she so selflessly offered to rescue me. Mio is probably another death added to my long list of sins that I must atone for. 

I really hoped for it, that she might break the cycle of this night and take me away from my guilt. But that is impossible. I am as dead as the rest of this village.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
 
 
lonelyremaining
19 July 2006 @ 07:59 pm
As I write this, I am a prisoner. I can't remember when this all began, or how long I've been here unable to atone for my sins. The screams I hear outside of this tiny room, all of that spilt blood is on my hands. In any other village in the world, someone like me would have had a happy life. I'm a twin, and if I'm identical to my brother, than I am beautiful. Had we been born anywhere else, this catastrophe would not have had to happen.
It's a sound no one else can hear
creak, creak, creak
with the wind. The sound of my own failure and future. The sound of my fate every night for decades. I can see its shadow, projected by the candles on the other side of the room, the rope hanging from the main support beam of this two story storehouse. It taunts me, my sin, my escape. The ones who brought me here put it there. I'm sure they know it will be an easy way to get rid of me. But at that time, they didn't know what was coming. They didn't know that their failed ritual would destroy them.
And so it has been every night. Yae, Sae. I'm sorry. Mutsuki... there are not enough words in this world to express my apology to you.
I failed you.
I was not able to make you into a butterfly, and for that, all of our plans for the future have failed, and your loss, the fact that you could not become one with me and were lost to the abyss, rests entirely upon my shoulders. 
Mutsuki, can you ever forgive me? You wanted me to run away with them, to live. But I just want to be with you again. I want to suffer the way I made you suffer.  The rope will crush the breath out of me, just like I crushed the life out of your beautiful eyes... how they shined with love, and hope for me, even until your last moments. That is what I can never forgive myself for. If only you could have hated me for what I was doing. But you were too good, and too strong to allow hate to control you. So for another night in this measureless cycle of darkness, I will try to join you, my brother, my sin.
 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed